Send this Page to a Friend

Questions and Answers

I just want to get the holiday season over as quickly as possible and pretend its not happening. My husband wants to decorate and do more of the normal things we used to do before infertility. Your thoughts?

—Ashley

For many infertile women, it starts in October, with visions of tiny goblins and superheros and the dread only grows from there through November and December.  Recognize that it is normal for you to struggle through these end-of-the-year holidays.  I haven’t met an infertile woman who hasn’t.  The dread itself becomes as stressful as the events and festivities.  So, one of the things I observe be consistently helpful, is face your pain and concerns rather than letting the fear and dread loom larger.  The sooner you can begin to plan and decide what you can handle and what will help, the more you can find some peace and a sense of control in what can feel like a helpless situation.

I wonder if there is a way to compromise, that honors both your and your husband’s feelings?  I often find that infertile women who do nothing to celebrate or decorate for holidays, feel more sad and depressed if these traditions have been a part of their life previously.

Is there something, probably on a smaller scale, that feels manageable?  Elaborate decorations may be replaced with a small electric candle in the windows, that perhaps hold a double meaning of hope for you:  of holding onto a light in the midst of your dark time. 

If it feels right for you and your partner, some couples buy an ornament that symbolizes their hope for a child.  Someday you may say to your son or daughter, “Mommy and Daddy bought this for you before you were even born, when we were hoping for you with all our hearts.”  Such a tangible object may be too bittersweet and you will have to decide what is helpful to you.

Especially if your husband is the one who more keenly wants to celebrate with the usual Christmas trimmings, let him take the lead in these activities.  You may relax on the nearby couch with a (non-children’s) holiday movie on the television while he does most of the decorating. 

Meanwhile, I encourage you to re-think and shift some of the many activities and traditions you are accustomed to at this time of year: 

• If infertility treatment causes a tightening of your finances, can you use a skill or craft to make gifts?  Knitting, quilting, baking, or woodworking are creative and can be therapeutic.
• If your normal tradition is to attend a worship service that includes children, can you attend a different service, either early in the morning or late at night, which the parents with young children tend to not prefer?
• If mall shopping and children on Santa’s lap is too painful, shop on-line, or at off-peak hours.

Essentially, what I am advising is that doing nothing to celebrate the holidays can also be painful.  Allow yourself to change and adjust the type and amount of holiday traditions that you engage in.

—Shari