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Questions and Answers

My husband and I usually divide our time between his family and mine during the holidays.  This year both families are having big gatherings on the same day. Mine is getting together mid-day, and his family has an evening potluck dinner.  I think I can handle going to my family’s gathering.  Even though there will be children, there are no young babies.  My husband’s sister has a two-month old baby boy, and I would be undone to be around him.  My husband says it is unfair to just see my family and not his, especially since the events are both on the same day so we can’t make an excuse like I’m not feeling well.  What do you suggest?

—Elise

Your question raises two issues:  first there is a disagreement between you and your husband about what the two of you, as a couple, should do.  Then, once you have made your decision, what and how much do you tell the families?

Attend first to the relationship with your husband.  Invite him into your world.  You may explain to him the difference between your two-year-old niece and his sister’s new baby.  The baby will be the focus of attention and there will be much awareness and joy at “his first Christmas.”  The two-year-old, while adorable, will be less of a focus and will likely be running around following her older cousins.  You may feel safer emotionally, and less stressed around your family.  Your husband likely has his own stress about infertility, but it will probably not affect his sperm and your chances of conceiving. 

Remind and educate him about how emotional distress is not conducive to your body’s fertility.  Your emotions directly influence the physiology of your reproductive systems.  A painful, anxious, upsetting situation triggers changes in your body’s chemistry that we call the “fight or flight” response.  These responses change blood flow, raise your heart rate and blood pressure, elevate blood sugar and increase blood clotting.  These changes are not conducive to fertility and if they occur chronically, they cause concern for your Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Why would you want to elevate the bodily responses that are contrary to your wish to conceive?  I have appealed to a husband’s concern about finances by saying, “You are trying to do everything you can to conceive your child.  Is this one party really worth decreasing your chances of success during this $15,000 procedure?  There is so much you cannot control in infertility.  Wouldn’t you want to control the things that are in your power such as the effects of strain on your wife’s body”

Once you and your husband are more joined and united in understanding your pain and its effect on you, now you can begin to make decisions about what to do and what to say to family.  You may be able to just drop in, exchange gifts, and leave soon afterward.  You may need to spend little time around the new baby.

Whether you are only staying briefly or think it’s in the best interest of your emotional and physical health to not attend, you need to decide what and how much to tell his family.

As you and he have experienced his family, do you think it is likely that, knowing the truth, they can be supportive?  If you can begin to invite them to understand your needs, they may be pleased to know there is something, anything, they can do to help you as you seek this longed-for grandchild.  Usually it makes the most sense for him to talk to his family and he can help them understand several things:

• It’s not just you, his wife, having an extreme reaction.  ALL infertile women struggle with the holidays and especially with babies.
• He may explain how physiologically grief and stress are not recommended while you are both doing everything possible to facilitate your fertility.
• He may use words such as “Her doctor doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”  If necessary, talk to your doctor’s office:  either the nurse practitioner or the physician.  They will assure you that stress and strain are not advised.

If the family knows these things and are still unhelpful or you do not think they would be understanding, then a brief excuse:  a headache, or an upset stomach may make the most sense.  Husbands, you make the call and protect your wife from anger and disa pproval.  You may feel helpless at all you cannot do in infertility.  Protecting her from painful encounters is something you can do.

Perhaps you can see this tension between you and your husband as preparation for a future when your family of two includes a child.  Begin to establish traditions into which you can incorporate your child(ren).  If not this year, then surely there will be years when the family you and your husband create, cannot attend either or both gatherings.  Begin this process of defining an d creating your new family traditions.