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The Examiner.com Book Review

A book review for the holidays

Corey Whelan contributed the following review to the examiner.com:

She wakes up dreading the hour-long drive to her mother in law's house.  It is Christmas morning.  Unlike last year, when she was barely more than a newlywed, this year she finds herself "the barren daughter in law."  Her dread is increased by the knowledge that her sister-in-law is currently expecting.  She dreads ringing the doorbell, and the faces of those who will answer.  She can't bear the thought of the unasked questions and even more so, the asked ones.

The holiday season is a time when families come together to share a meal, a gift, and a memory.  Given the current statistic in this country for infertility  - one in six couples - it is possible that it will be your daughter in law, or sister, or best friend, who is experiencing this life crisis.   While you can't change her situation, you do have the power to make her feel better or worse.  A new book offers some advice on how to support someone you love, who is experiencing infertility.

Shari DeGraff Stewart and Julia Fichtner Krahm are co-authors of the book Do you Love someone who is Infertile? Lifelong friends, Ms. Stewart experienced infertility and Ms. Krahm did not.  Their experience of going through that life crisis together, and maintaining their friendship, created the basis for this much-needed book.

First and foremost, according to Stewart and Krahm, the infertile woman in your life continues to need you and your support as she experiences one of the darkest chapters of her life.  

In the same way that it is hard to comfort someone who has recently lost a loved one, or who has just gotten a diagnosis of cancer, it is often difficult to find the right words to say to someone who is going through  infertility.  If you keep these following excerpts from the book in mind, you may find yourself capable of making the road a little easier for someone you love:  

• Understand that her longing to be a mother is primal.
• What looks like obsession is actually single-mindedness.
• Help her hold her dream when it feels like everything is conspiring to pull it away from her.
• Based on what you know about her, what inexpensive token, piece of jewelry, or collection of music, words or pictures, would remind her she is not alone in dreaming about her child?
• Protect her from the well-intentioned, but hurtful words of others.  This may come in particularly handy at holiday time when uninformed family members ask her about her family building plans.  A simple "Babies come when they come.  Please pass me the corn" will allow her to recover from a blow that feels physical as she struggles to regain her equilibrium.
• Are there people or places where you can anticipate she will need some support and maybe your intervention?  Right now, you have the luxury of being able to think about and plan these events for her as she is in crisis mode and may not have the resources to tackle them.
• Tell her how proud you are of her.
• Listen to her anger, hear it, and respect the gift of it; tell her you are angry for her as well.
• Do not give advice or tell her about the friend you have who became pregnant by another method.
• Talk and ask. When you understand her world and what she is going through, you will begin to understand her.
• Remember that she may feel isolated and alone.

What you don't know might hurt her.  It is now eleven days until Christmas and you have time to buy and read this book.  Support your loved one by devouring it from cover to cover.  What you do today will change her life forever.

December 14, 2009