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A Guide for Friends and Family

How to Support an Infertile Couple during the Holidays!

You know and love an infertile woman or couple.  Perhaps for the first time in your relationship, you are uncertain how to support her or them.  You may be unsure what they need, what to say, and what to do.  Thank you for caring and loving them, and wanting to know how to support them. 

What you should know: 
Infertility is a crisis.  Studies have shown that such a diagnosis is as painful and stressful as AIDS or cancer.  Woman who have experienced it, consistently say that infertility is either the most, or one of the most painful experiences of their entire life.  The holidays can be especially poignant and painful for a couple longing for a child.  They are reminded of their own happy childhoods and this season is filled with images and reminders of children and our love for them.  For Christians, the holiday honors a special baby’s birth.  For Jews, Chanukah celebrates light in the midst of darkness.  For the infertile couple, this season is one of darkness and aching for their own baby.

How you can help and support this infertile couple:

• Please recognize that family gatherings, full of nephews and nieces are pain-ful because they emphasize all that this couple longs for, but does not have.  It is often wise for an infertile couple to be cautious about time spent at such gatherings.  When you extend an invitation, please make it clear that you want the couple to do what is best for them emotionally.  Reassure them that even if they originally plan to attend a party or family function, they can still change their mind at any time.  They can come late or leave early.  As the hostess, let them know that you will make a vague excuse for their absence so they do not have to answer awkward questions or feel pressured. 
• Depending upon your relationship or their openness about their infertility, you may want to invite one or both of them aside at gatherings and ask, “How are you doing?  Is this difficult?  Do you need anything?  How can I help?”  What you will notice is that all of these suggested phrases are questions.  Questions are almost always more inviting than statements or directives:  “You just need to…. Here’s what I think you should do…. Just relax and you’ll get pregnant….  It’s just a matter of time….”  Questions acknowledge their pain or grief, but allow the individual to choose what or how much to talk about it.  Don’t worry that you are reminding them of their pain; it is always present to them and a constant part of their lives.  You are not reminding them of something they have forgotten; instead you are reminding them that you care about them and they are not alone in their grief. 
• If this couple is in the midst of treatment, such as IVF (in vitro fertilization) then you can offer practical support and care.  The medical treatment associated with infertility is expensive, time-consuming and stressful.  Put on your calendar doctor and other appointments, and follow-up with a phone call, email, or card.  Again, questions will be more inviting:  “How did it go?  Do you want to talk about it?  Can I bring by a meal?  What would help?”
  
• An infertile woman and couple must struggle to keep hope alive and nurture a feeling of life within them when their bodies (especially to her) feel barren.  Make available to her activities that you know feel nurturing and life-giving, especially ones that allow her to feel emotionally connected to you or someone else who cares about her:  a walk in nature, talking over a cup of coffee, favorite music, yoga, art, meditation….

You may have felt helpless and uncertain especially because you want so much to help her and them.  You wish you could give them an answer or solution.  This couple knows you cannot solve their infertility and hopefully there is some relief in knowing, they are not looking for you to do that.  You can offer practical support regarding family gatherings and medical treatment.  You can offer a listening ear and words that ask questions so you can listen further.  You can offer your relationship and any activities that you know she/they find life-giving.  The core of their grief is fear that they will never have the relationship with their child that they long for.  The love and support of other relationships cannot cure that grief, but can make it more manageable.

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This information is adapted from the book, Do you Love someone who is Infertile?